


Near Catastrophe

by panisdead



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-19
Updated: 2011-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-15 18:50:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/163831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panisdead/pseuds/panisdead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I left my chair and bullwhip at home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Near Catastrophe

**Author's Note:**

> For Spiderwood. Many thanks to Z_rayne and Kormantic for looking it over.

"Get me down, get me _down_ ," gritted McKay, dangling legs thrashing. His boots tangled ineffectually in the scrubby little bushes, sending up puffs of pale orange pollen. Ford wiped his nose with the back of his hand and tried not to grin.

"Maybe you shouldn't wiggle so much," he said to McKay's stomach. "You'll make it mad or something."

"Maybe _you_ should focus on something other than its mental health," McKay snarled. "Like my _rescue_." Above him, the enormous feline blinked lazily, then shook its head a little. McKay's TAC vest creaked alarmingly as one giant incisor poked through the material over his left shoulder. "Oh _god_ , get me down," he said, high-pitched. "I don't want my headstone to read 'dragged off to the lair and eaten.'"

Ford glanced over his shoulder at the major and Teyla and made a "help" face. The major made a face back at him and then turned to McKay, raising his hands in a placating gesture. "Don't worry, Rodney, we'll handle it." He eased forward slowly, loose fist out in front of him at sniffing height like you did for a strange dog, or a scared kid. "I'm just gonna come up there and do...something. Hang in there," he said, and then winced.

"Oh, hah very hah, Major," McKay said, glaring at him, arms twitching like he wanted to cross them over his chest, or maybe smack someone. He'd gone mostly limp in the big cat's jaws, which seemed like a good idea to Ford. Struggling meant the prey wanted to escape, or at least that's what they said on all the shows on Animal Planet. Except it didn't really seem like McKay was _prey_ ; aside from the part where it was easily twelve feet high at the shoulder and had McKay by the scruff of the neck, the animal wasn't scary at all. It was just sitting there, watching them and occasionally twitching its whiskers.

The major inched through a clump of bushes, leaving smears of tangerine across his knees, and stopped slightly less than an arm's length from McKay's hanging form, fist still outstretched. The cat slanted enormous yellow eyes in his direction, but otherwise did not react. "Uh," said the major, his hand drifting awkwardly back to his side like the animal had been too stuck-up to shake. He peered over his shoulder at Ford and Teyla. "You guys have any ideas, here? I left my chair and bullwhip at home."

"My life is in dire peril, and he's making Siegfried and Roy jokes!"

"You better hope you're Siegfried, 'cause remember what happened to--" Ford blurted, then snapped his mouth shut at the major's sharp, "Lieutenant!" and guiltily hid his clawed hand behind his back.

"What?" squawked McKay. " _What_ happened?"

"I'll tell you later," said the major, glaring at Ford with narrowed eyes. Which was kind of weird, because McKay claimed to know darn near everything, but then again Ford sure hadn't ever seen him in the McMurdo common area browsing the _People_ magazines. Then the major put his hand on McKay's calf and squeezed reassuringly, which was also kind of weird, but Ford didn't really mind a little brothers-in-arms manly touching for a good cause. Brothers-in-jaws, whatever.

"Maybe we should create a diversion," he offered gamely. "I could set off a low-level charge just over that ridge, give it a little surprise." The cat eyed him, tail thrashing slightly like it'd understood.

"Or maybe you should just dial up Atlantis and have them send through a crate of steak sauce to douse me with! _Surprise_ it, what a stellar notion!" McKay spat, starting to thrash again. Small drifts of pollen billowed into the air, shimmering in the late morning sun. Ford's nose tingled.

"Perhaps if one of us were to sing to it," began Teyla.

The major nodded approvingly. "Soothe the savage beast, I like it. Should I, uh...."

"No!" said McKay, aiming a kick in the major's direction. "I will not spend my last moments on earth listening to you bleat out 'Desperado'! Stop staring like a flock of turkey vultures and get me the hell _down_!" His arms pinwheeled, sending motes of pollen flying. Above him, the cat's eyes narrowed to tight feline slits of annoyance.

"Dr. McKay, perhaps that is not a wise--" said Teyla, at the same time that the major said, "Rodney, just hold on a--" Then Ford's itchy snoot full of pollen got the better of him and he sneezed, and suddenly everything happened all at once. The cat started, glared at him, and huffed out an irritated-sounding breath. Then, with a ripple of muscle, it pushed itself to its feet and started to turn away, McKay's body swinging crazily from its jaws as he tried to swat the pink, twitching nose. _Shit_ , thought Ford as he shouldered his P-90, seeing the whites of McKay's eyes as he yelled, as the major leaped forward, shouting, "Drop him! Bad cat!" It had probably been four years since his last trip to the deer blind, but he'd had a whole lot of target practice between then and now, and--

"Down!" snapped Teyla, and hurled the contents of her canteen full in the animal's face. The cat reared back in shock, huge jaws opening in a started hiss. With a loud _rip_ , the material of McKay's TAC vest gave way and he dropped to the ground in a heap. Ford was already moving, unscrewing the cap of his canteen as the major hit the dirt and threw himself over McKay, one arm brandishing a water bottle. They were all yelling as the cat swatted at them half-heartedly, then Ford got close enough to fling another face full of water at it, and with a final disgruntled sniff it swung around and stalked off, grumbling.

Nobody said anything for a moment, then Ford clapped his hands together. "All right!" he said, and grinned at Teyla, who smiled back. Not every day you got to play lion tamer, after all.

The major stared at the cat's retreating back for another moment, then heaved himself up and flopped over on his back in the dirt next to McKay. "Let's not do that again," he said, staring up at the clouds. "Rodney? You're okay, right?"

"As well as can be expected," muttered McKay, still facedown in the dirt. That was almost enough to worry Ford, because usually this would be time to rumble, Doctor-McKay style, but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak he shut it again, because the major was already on it. He'd propped himself up on his elbow, one hand on the back of McKay's neck, fingers buried in his hair, which again was a little--but whatever, brothers-in-arms. Ford didn't care.

"Aw, sorry your new pet didn't work out," said the major, thumb stroking the short, bristly hair at McKay's nape. "I'm just glad you're--" he broke off, glancing over at Ford, Teyla.

"Glad I'm what? Not partially digested?" said McKay, leaning into the touch just a little.

The major pulled his hand back and patted McKay's shoulder, then slid it smoothly down McKay's side and patted his hip. "I'll tell you later."

END.


End file.
